Posted by: Phil | December 28, 2009

Bluckbosters of December Holiday Season

A new post!

Well hello there! Christmas day has come and gone, and that’s all I have to say about it. I hope your New Year’s party will rock!

After reading my “review heap” of the first-half Summer movies… I decided to return the favor and give you my thoughts on the holiday movies! And the two other summer movies I had to watch in summer that I never wrote. Brace yourselves.

So, first let’s get the older movies out of the way; namely: “Transformers 2” and “Half-Baked Prince“.

Let’s start with “Transformers 2:  Revenge of the Fallen“. Okay, for starters: way back when I heard the title of this film, and then saw the teaser poster, and later the trailer… having not much knowledge of the comic, toys, or TV shows (not a very big Transformers fan, as you can see); I thought the plot would revolve around an elite group of decepticons who come from space (think super-scary high-level efficient robot assasins) and slowly overwhelm and massacre the autobots while creating havoc over the earth. I thought the “revenge” being talked about was of Megatron against the autobots, or the supposed elite group of super-evil satanic decepticons called “the fallen”. (My presumption was that the fallen were Megatron’s finest group of decepticons . Think Frieza’s The Ginyu Force from “Dragonball Z”or Emperor Palpatine’s Royal Guards. The best of the best.).

Anyway, that was simply my presumption based on the trailers. I know nothing about Transformers-Lore, you see. The actual plot was much, much worse. I almost cried watching this film. It was that painful. I couldn’t believe people actually payed to have this sorry thing

admit it: Megan Fox, and those two things under her face was the REAL reason you went to see it.

made! Michael Bay was

apparently given more freedom with this sequel; which, for an actually good director, means that the movie would turn out better! Not in Bay’s case, ladies and gentlemen. There were so many things wrong with this movie, I can’t even begin to name them, or this post would be twice the length it is now. Let’s just say, this movie was horrible; unbelievably unimaginative; primitive; disguising; mediocre; and quite literally stupid. The only good part was the CGI, but that was directed so badly, it was most of the time just jumbled motion blurs all the time! Not only that, but each action scene was so drawn out, it fatigued every time. The Good: Big explosions, fights, and some nice CGI  The Bad: Horrendous plot, primitive directing, unimaginative acting, very long fight scenes, badly handled fight scenes, and two explosions are quite enough. I very much disliked this movie, and wonder how anyone COULD like this movie, since it was so… well… stupid. Stupid! Am I done now? Let’s move on!

So now we have “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince“. Unlike the masses that enjoy watching and reading Harry’s whimsical little escapades into the world of magic and witchcraft and always saving Hogwarts (I still think its a horribly cheesy name) every year, and never getting any real thanks for it; I do not. Okay, okay, I kind of do; but it usually incorporates a commentary track by us really good guys, or a commentary track by other really good guys. As far as these Potter movies go, I still think “Prisoner of Azkaban” is the best of the 8 movies (never read the books, of course). After seeing Movie Nr. 6, I still do. In fact, this is my “Crap-Meter” of the crappiness of each Potter movie (best to worst)

  1. Prisoner of Azkaban
  2. Order of the Phoenix & Goblet of Fire & Half-Blood Prince
  3. Philosopher’s Stone
  4. Chamber of Secrets

I’m horrible aren’t I? Seriously, though. There is one word for “Half-Blood Prince”, and that is simply: FILLER. Below is a review I wrote right after watching this particular movie.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

To call it a good movie is a gross overstatement. What was unfolding on the screen, before our eyes, was a film not unlike other films that emerge out of the film industry’s impassable doors. Except that this one has a track record of 5 other films that preceded it – let alone 7 books it was based on – to make up for dysmal storytelling, and soften the hard suckage of a movie that was witnessed on July 15, 2009.

Some argue there is this magical thing called “character development” that is used to make us feel, and experience this story and the situations through the eyes of a unique observer that has access to not only the lives of the characters, but their souls as well. To feel for them and essentially simulate the notion that one has grown up with and known them; seeing their personalities, and human qualities – that us as the audience subconsciously relate to – develop and grow.

"Sir, is this 'memory vial' thing just your way of telling me you have Alzheimer's?"

Jake Dragash, a respectable and bright film viewer, felt that the film itself was “a piece of junk” and felt like “I was watching a 45 Minute [TV series] episode, with a somewhat different ending.”. “It was incredible.” Says Tim Majersky “Right after Harry drank from the liquid luck thing, the film starts to turn into some [kind of] insane acid trip, where a very stoned-looking Harry follows [an equally] stoned Professor Guy (Jim Broadbent) to Hagrid’s place only to be present in a hilarious scene where three people who look like they’re on drugs pay respects to a giant spider that tried to kill and eat Harry 4 years prior. You should have seen that whole part where they get drunk and act like stoners!” Particularly exuberant laughing took place when Draco Malfoy “after coming out of his wooden portapotty teleporter” says Jake, encounters Harry as he enlists a rather easily misinterpreted spell heard by both Tim and Phil Dragash as the “Sexy Zebra!” spell, that apparently creates holes in the victims body and causes him to bleed incessantly; but the advantage of this is that it is allowed to keep a PG rating.

If you say this (character development) was present in “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” you are either so engrossed by the source material, no matter how poorly realized, remembering the events that happened in book-form and using it as a placeholder to what is being viewed on-screen (this can also be given into account if one hasn’t read the books as well); or you are simply incapable of noticing what makes a film a film.
During the – what seemed to be – over two and a half hour run of the film, most of it was focused on sitcom-inspired dialogue and situations many falsely identify as character development. It was not. There are characters, they are talking; but nothing is developing. One can argue that it was development since the character’s relationships “developed” to what they were realized into at the end of the picture. That wasn’t development. That was a spontaneous explosion of sequences of predestined events that was forcibly and artificially implemented at certain points in the film. The result is the pacing of a road accident that has not died yet. It lies on the road, suffering and miserable; then gathers a little strength to attempt (in vain) to move and run; it fails; and falls over and continues suffering. This has eloquently been the pacing of the film throughout the 2 hours of teenage-drama sitcom events.

There was nothing powerful, nothing nostalgic nor familiar about it. The sequences of events are almost exactly the same as with the previous film: “Situation establishment. New character. Hogwarts. Filler. Conclusion”. It wasn’t as much another experience as it was inorganic repetitiveness. “I’ve seen this in the last movie! Continue already!”
If one were to watch a Harry Potter marathon, one could easily skip this film, as the only seven important plot points could be summarized like this:

SPOILERS…

“HP6? Here’s what happens. Harry and Ginny are together. Ron and Hermoine are together. Dumbledore dies. Snape killed him, and he’s the double-agent half-blood prince. Oh yeah, and Draco is one of the Death Eaters. Surprise Surprise. Next movie.”
The 574-page book was condensed to a two and a half hour movie, but could easily be condensed to the paragraph above. To summarize this 6th venture into the quirky world of Harry Potter, one must only say one word: Filler.

don’t agree? That’s okay.  Just one man’s observation.

"Bonjeeeuuuurrrnoe!"

Oh yeah, SURPRISE! You know what I thought of “Inglorious Basterds“? It was hilarious. I liked it. Stupidity at its finest. The only downside was thatthere was a little too much dialogue, and a few illogical directorial decisions, but hey… “DO NOT QUESTION THE CINEMATIC GENIUS OF QUENTIN TARANTINO!”

On to DECEMBER!

Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering what I thought of AVATAR, right? RIGHT? HUUUUUH?!

Well, unlike most of you, I did not come out of the cinema going “best movie ever.” nor, did I come out of the cinema going “It was amazingly well done.”. I simply came out of the cinema saying “It was pretty good, but the story was so overused.”. I cannot tell you how many people

Blue Cat Group!

already scolded me for saying this, but, this movie isn’t as good as its made out to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I liked it. I really did! It was pretty, it was very entertaining, it had nice effects, and some nice acting. James Cameron still knows what he’s doing when he makes a movie (unlike that other moron who directed the movie with the big robots going “kaboom!”)…  But can’t you understand that its worth is nothing beyond being a very fun screensaver? Think about it! There’s nothing new in terms of narrative, nothing to think about, nothing unexpected. Its a very placid and dare I say it, cliche storyline. As Youtuber Blunty3000 clearly states: it’s like “a can of beans in a really pretty wrapper”.

I happened to have brought a notebook with me while watching the film, and I wrote notes on my thoughts for many scenes in the film. To see these notes, I think you have to be my friend on Facebook.

So, I think that about covers it. There are a few more movies I saw, but I think this is getting a bit too big. I have yet to watch “Princess and the Frog”, and a few others… but rest-assured… I’ll write more about them later. Have a wonderful end-of-the-year everyone!

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Responses

  1. I should follow this more. I keep forgetting. 😦

  2. I managed to find the torrents for LotR:CSO, but you really need to link them on this blog or mention them in the Youtube video descriptions. The torrents are completely inactive.


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